Day 53: Frustrations

This has been another trying week. My brain is on overload, and I have to get out of this mire that I seem to be stuck in. I just feel so weary lately. I've decided to make a list of the things that are contributing to my stress/anxiety/frustration. Then I'm going to pray about it. And then I'm going to come up with a plan to eliminate some of the things that are causing me grief.

Day 49: Beginning a New Week

Last week was both very stressful and revealing. In the midst of chaos at work and feeling all icky about myself, I discovered a gift. I wrote Monday about helping a coworker by listening and encouraging. The next day I was able to talk to another coworker who was having a rough week. I listened as she talked about her marriage and things she wished she had in her marriage. I told her about The Five Love Languages and asked her a few questions concerning her marriage. While I'm certainly no expert on marriage, I have learned a few things from this book and others regarding the way we treat others--especially those we love the most.

The next day I spoke to a woman who has been struggling with her job and trying to determine where to take her career. Instead of taking action, she has done nothing, hoping things would get better. I talked with her briefly and recommended a couple of web sites I have used to get freelance work, and I told her how the last year has been really eye-opening in terms of my passions and where I want to be in my career. The next day, I received an email from her thanking me. She said that browsing those sites and talking with me sparked her into action! It feels great to know that I was able to encourage someone!

Last Friday, I applied for a Manager position with Human Resources (still at same university). This past Friday I went to a conference with Noah's speech therapist, Kelli. She asked me where I worked, and when I told her she said her best friend worked at the same university. Then Kelli told me her friend's name, and I was speechless. This was the same person I had emailed my resume to the week before! She said she would give her a call and mention my name. Coincidence? I don't think so! What's even funnier is that Kelli talked about the college she attended in northern Louisiana. When I asked how she ended up there, she said all of her family lived in a little town in southeastern Arkansas. We discovered that we were alumni of the same high school! She graduated six years behind me so I never knew her, but WOW! How often does that happen?

Today I am praying for a new week with a fresh start. A week in which I will be able to push the impatience and frustrations with a couple of people at work totally out of the picture. I pray for the grace and spirit to deal with them.

Day 43: The Art of Losing Myself

It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me.

The blue ribbon on my wrist has become my visible reminder of that phrase. Isn't it difficult to let go of the stubbornness and meanness that can fester within? It is for me. I want it my way...right now...and henceforth! God, however, sends reminders every day that in losing myself in Him I find peace and purpose.

Today a coworker posted pictures of her kids (one in high school and one in college) on facebook. I sent her a message telling her how happy her kids looked and how I admire her because she always seems so full of joy. I meant that with such sincerity. I don't know this woman very well, but she always has a smile on her face and seems to be enjoying life. I aspire to be that way--for others to think of me as a joyful person! She replied and told me that I made her day. She told me a little bit about the story behind the picture and told me that things are not always how they look. "I really wonder if we did ok w/the kids or if we screwed them up. It is very hard to raise kids. Do your very best from your heart and that is all you can do."

Later in the day I visited with another coworker to ask if she would recommend me for the job for which I had just applied. Just before I left her office she told me that yesterday was the first time she ever thought her marriage was really going to end. I sat there listening to her as she told me what a horrible weekend it was for her and how she wondered how I could be so strong with all that I've been through. First, I told her that it is only through my faith in God that I have been able to carry on. I also told her that I had just finished reading a book that I would like for her to read: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. As I talked with her about marriage and commitment and letting go of our own selfish ways, I thought how awesome it was that I could give to her something from my pain and struggles--something I've learned. When we finished talking she said, "Wow. How much do I owe you for this session?" Funny thing is that it was just as much of a counseling session for me as it was for her! She has been a tremendous influence on my professional life, and I consider her a mentor. I was so glad to give back...to make a small difference in her day. I only wish I had prayed with her.

"The art of losing myself" were words that spoke to me from a song this weekend. I hope to master that art. I hope for more days like today when I can forget myself and just be a blessing to others.

I'll include a favorite poem of mine here by Elizabeth Bishop:

One Art

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant to travel.
None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

–Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Beautifully Broken

We went to Gulf Shores this weekend, and it was so wonderful just to be unplugged. Saturday morning we watched a beautiful sunrise from the balcony of the condo before heading down to the sand. Combing the beach all day for shells, searching for the perfect keepsakes to remind us of our trip, I was reminded how I used to sit in our driveway as a girl, scanning the space for pretty rocks to add to my big basket. Sometimes a smooth one would catch my attention, while other times I would find one with a unique stripe or unusual colors. They were each special to me.

As we searched for shells Saturday, I kept hearing others say, “Oh look!…it is almost a perfect one, but not quite--it’s broken.” And I would catch myself being drawn to a shell halfway buried in the sand, something that at first glance appeared to be quite wonderful. When I would pick it up, however, I would find that it was broken on the underside…not complete. Instead of being disappointed, I still wanted wanted that shell.   So I would add it to my bag and resume my search.

I continued to hear remarks of shells that weren’t perfect, not whole, or broken as their examiners would discard them in the sand, and I thought:  But I like them broken. When they’re cracked, you can see the beautiful, smooth, intricate interiors that can’t be seen from the outside.  

Isn't it great that God picks us up and still wants us even though we’re broken and incomplete. Sometimes the most beautiful people--and the most useful--are those who have been broken, brushed off, and rescued. My beautifully broken shells are a reminder that God can make all things new.

Day 42 - The Busy-ness

Still have the blue ribbon tied to my wrist...a reminder of my journey in Him. I've not been as faithful about posting here, but I'm still in the race! The last few weeks have been jam-packed with events and happenings, and as I'm finally slowing down I'm realizing that I don't always take God along in my "busy-ness". Of course, the days that are fraught with to-do lists, errands, chores, and kid-tastrophes are the very ones when I have failed to suit up in the Armor of God. While I have my shield of faith, some days I feel like I'm just hunkering down behind it, praying like crazy that I can outlast the battle!

Recently the boys and I had the opportunity to go to Gulf Shores for a relaxing weekend getaway. The weather was perfect, and there was nothing I needed more than to sit on the beach all day and do nothing but take in the wonder of God's world. It was incredible! I'd like to share a story that I wrote shortly after that trip--I'll create it as a separate post. The title is "Beautifully Broken"...it was a healing trip for me.